I love you. - It’s not a weight you must carry around.

I love you. - It’s not a box that holds you in.

I love you. - It’s not a standard you have to bear

I love you. - It’s not a sacrifice I make.

I love you. - It’s not a pedestal you are frozen upon.

I love you. - It’s not an expectation of perfection.

I love you. - It’s not my life’s whole purpose (or your’s).

I love you. - It’s not to make you change.

I love you. - It’s not even to make you love me.

I love you. - It’s as pure and simple as that.

by anonymous

Was net vir my baie mooi…

“Let me explain the problem science has with Jesus Christ.” The atheist professor of

philosophy paused before his class and then asked one of his new students to stand.

“You’re a Christian, aren’t you, son?”

“Yes sir,” the student answered.

“So you believe in God?”

“Absolutely.”

“Is God good?”

“Sure! God’s good.”

“Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?” !

“Yes.”

“Are you good or evil?”

“The Bible says I’m evil”.

The professor grinned knowingly. “Aha! The Bible!” He considered for a moment.

“Here’s one for you. Let’s say there’s a sick person over here and you can cure him. You

can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?”

“Yes sir, I would.”

“So you’re good…!”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“But why not say that? You’d help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would

if we could. But God doesn’t.”

The student did not answer, so the professor continued. “He doesn’t, does he? My brother

was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is

this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?”

The student remained silent.

“No, you can’t, can you?” the professor says. He took a sip of water from a glass on his

desk to give the student time to relax.

“Let’s start again, young fella, Is God good?”

“Er…yes,” the student says.

“Is Satan good?”

The student didn’t hesitate on this! one. ” No.”

“Then where does Satan come from?”

The student answered: “From…God…”

“That’s right. God made Satan, didn’t he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Evil’s everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything, correct?”

“Yes.”

“So who created evil?” The professor continued, “If God created everything, then God

created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who

we are, then God is evil.”

Without allowing the student to answer, the professor continued: “Is there sickness?

Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?”

The student answered: “Yes.”

“So who created them?”

The student did not answer again, so the professor repeated his question. “Who created

them? There was still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer broke away to pace in front of the

classroom. The class was mesmerized.

“Tell me,” he continued onto another student. “Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?”

The student’s voice was confident: “Yes, professor, I do.”

The old man stopped pacing. “Science says you have five senses that you use to identify

and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?”

“No sir. I’ve never seen Him”

“Then tell us if you’ve ever heard your Jesus?”

“No, sir, I have not.”

“Have you ever actually felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelled your Jesus? Have you

ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?”

“No, sir, I’m afraid I haven’t.”

“Yet you still believe in him?”

“Yes.”

“According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your

God doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?”

“Nothing,” the student replied. “I only have my faith.”

“Yes, faith,” the professor repeated. “And that is the problem science has with God.

There is no evidence, only faith.”

The student stood quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his own. “Professor,

is there such thing as heat?”

“Yes,” the professor replies. “There’s heat.”

“And is there such a thing as cold?”

“Yes, son, there’s cold too.”

“No sir, there isn’t.”

The professor turned to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly became

very quiet. The student began to explain.

“You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white

heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don’t have anything called ‘cold’. We can hit up to

458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is

no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.

Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is

what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total

absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat.

We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold

is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.”

There was silence across the room. A pen dropped somewhere in the classroom and sounded like a hammer.

“What about darkness, professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?”

“Yes,” the professor replied without hesitation. “What is night if it isn’t darkness?”

“You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can

have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light

constantly you have nothing and it’s called darkness, isn’t it? That’s the meaning we use to

define the word. In reality, darkness isn’t. If it were, you would be able to make darkness

darker, wouldn’t you?”

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. “So what point are you making, young man?”

“Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your

conclusion must also be flawed.”

The professor’s face could not hide his surprise this time. “Flawed? Can you explain how?”

“You are working on the premise of duality,” the student explains. “You argue that there is

life and then there’s death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God

as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can’t even explain a thought.

It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either

one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot

exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.”

“Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?”

“If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do”

“Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?”

The professor began to shake his head, still smiling, as he realized where the argument was

going. A very good semester, indeed.

“Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that

this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now

not a scientist, but a preacher?”

The class was in uproar. The student remained silent until the commotion had subsided.

“To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an

example of what I mean.”

The student looked around the room. “Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the

professor’s brain?” The class broke out into laughter.

“Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor’s brain, felt the professor’s

brain, touched or smelled the professor’s brain? No one appears to have done so. So,

according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science

says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no

brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?”

Now the room was silent. The professor just stared at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the old man answered. “I guess you’ll have to

take them on faith.”

“Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,” the student

continued. “Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?”

Now uncertain, the professor responded, “Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in

the daily example of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence

everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.”

To this the student replied, “Evil! does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto

itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that

man has created to describe the absence of God.

God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s

love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that results when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.”

The professor sat down.

Wat ‘n depressing onderwerp Geez!!!!

Maar my vraag is nie soos gewoonlik: Waar gaan jy jou ogies oopmaak nie.(Alhoewel dit lewensbelangrik is….. )

Die vraag wat ek wil stel is….

Waarvoor gaan jy onthou word??????

Ons almal het baie kennisse, maar ek dink as jy jouself wil leer ken, moet jy hoor wat daardie kennisse van jou sê as hulle terugdink aan jou.

Ons is baiekeer so opgevang in ons “issues”…..(en nee… ek pik nie op jou nie…snaaks dat jy daaraan dink ) dat ons vergeet wat die invloed is wat ons het op die mense rondom ons….

Ek het dit by my seuntjie geleer….. dit wat ek sê… glo hy….

Dit wat jy baiekeer uit moedeloosheid of radeloosheid kwytraak….dit GLO jou kennisse….

DIT is wat jy uitstraal… sonder dat jy dit miskien agterkom….

As jy terugdink aan enige van jou vriende vriendinne, is daar gewoonlik ‘n tipe “algemene” opinie wat jy van hulle het…

Die een “moan oor als”…. die ander een “kla gedurig oor geld”… die ander een het “soveel issues, dis nie meer snaaks nie”… die ander een het gedurig “een of ander kwaal”… die een “kan nooit iets goed oor iemand sê nie”.

DIT is wat hulle(julle) uitgestraal het of die algemene indruk wat jy kry oor hulle.

Ek dink baie van ons is vasgevang in ‘n lewensstyl en omstandighede waaraan ons NIKS kan doen nie. Dit noop ons om baiekeer te reageer soos wat ons reageer.(Maar meer hieroor in ‘n latere blog….)

As mense sou terugdink aan jou… as watse mens dink jy sou hulle jou beskryf?

Ek verwag nie veel reaksie op hierdie vraag nie, want wat sê mens nou op dit….. JY behoort te weet…..

… en dink of dit is wat jy sou wou hê.. so nie… WERK daaraan!!!!

Eers 10 goet wat my af-urineer (klink minder anglisismies en stupider)

In GEEN spesifieke volgorde nie:

1. Verkoopspersoneel wat nie geen koekien kennis het van hulle produkte nie. Mens stap baiekeer in ‘n winkel in en dan het hulle nie ‘n idee waarvan jy praat totdat jy die item aan hulle uitwys nie. Selfs dan weet die meeste nie hoe die ding werk nie.
   
2. Tannies wat staan en verlore tyd opmaak in die winkelgangetjie sodat geen mens kan verbygaan nie. Dankie tannie… maar as jy hom 20 cm. vorentoe skuif sodat jy binne skinderafstand bly kan ek nog STEEDS nie deur nie.
   
3. Mens wat geen opinie van hulle eie het nie. Dis nou daai lot wat in Jesus glo omdat hulle ouers en voorouers so geglo het, sonder dat hulle self gaan kniel het by die kruis.
4. Iemand wat vir my lieg. Daar is eintlik nie ‘n verskoning vir dit nie…. As jy my respekteer of my vriend is, SAL jy nie…
5. Mense wat e-posse aanstuur sonder om 48 fwd’s uit die e-pos uit te haal. Geez… dit vat nie eers ‘n minuut nie! (en terloops… Jesus het nie ‘n kettinggebed nodig wat ek MOET forward voor dit werk nie.)
6. Mense wat my tyd mors. My tyd is NIE belangriker as enigiemand anders s’n nie, maar regtigwaar…. ek stel nie belang in hoe gereeld almal jou tenakom nie, en asseblief.. as jy nounog nie weet hoe Google werk nie, klim van die Internet af….
7. Mense wat hulle eie belangrikheid oorskat. Nee, ek weet nie wie jy is nie, en staan ma agter in die ry soos ons almal. BTW… sit sommer die selfoon weg as ek besig is om met jou te gesels….ja, Mxit kan maar wag, en forward die sms vir my as hy so goed is!
   
8. Telebemarkers. Ek WEET dis hulle werk, ma genuine…. as ek iets nodig het gaan ek nie wag dat iemand my bel sodat ek dit ook kan kry nie…….
9. Onjuiste TV skedules…. Ek kyk so min tv, dat as ek iets record wat ek graag wil kyk, soek ek nie ‘n dokumenter oor die voortplanting van die Muskeljaatkat in Oos-Afrika nie…….
10. Hulplyn bemanners wat nie engels of afrikaans magtig is nie. Dis futiel om aan so iemand te probeer verduidelik dat daar lyngeraas op jou gehoorstuk is wanner jy plaaslike oproepe maak….. help nie eers jy begin spel nie.

Ek het eintlik nog nie genoeg geblog om 5 gunsteling “posts” te kies nie… maar hier volg my skakellys:

• Anderkant van die spoor….

• Geluk…

• Vroumense…

• Temalied uit “TIME” - The Musical…..

• Moenie dink jy’s snaaks nie!!!

Groetnis

Deesdae.. met Steve se besigheid, sowel as die situasie in die “nuwe” SA, het ek op ‘n kol aan die dink gegaan….

Ons is baie gou om ons opinie te gee oor Steve, en veral oor Suid-Afrika en die situasie in ons land….

Moenie ‘n fout maak nie…ons het ‘n REG op ‘n opinie. Ons verkry dit ‘n daai stadium wat ons ons ouers HEL op aarde gee..

TIENER-STADIUM … Dis wanneer ons met ‘n skok tot die besef kom “Ek het ‘n reg op my EIE opinie!!” Ek HOEF nie te glo wat ma My kwytraak, of wat my Pa se idee van dissipline of reg en verkeerd is nie! Ek kan self besluit!!

• EK besluit of ek nou wil gaan slaap of nie.
• EK besluit of die God van die Bybel die korrekte ene is…
• EK besluit wat ek dra… verkieslik brandnames… en so duur as moontlik.
• EK besluit wie die regte maats vir my is.
• EK besluit of sy regtig my sussie is, of net ‘n stuk vleis wat die hel uit my uit irriteer!
• Ek besluit of MXIT van die duiwel af is….

ens… ens… ens…

Van daardie dag af wat ons “besluit” het ons kan self besluit, begin ons grootraak en ons identiteit in ‘n groot mate vorm…..

MAAR…… ongelukkig… iewers langs die pad, verloor baie van ons daardie eie opinie….

Dan raak ons deel van die massas…. ons opinie word VIR ons gevorm…. sonder dat ons dit eers agterkom….

Ek lees die koerant-opskrifte elke dag van al die misdaad in ons land(’n voldwonge feit)….

Ek sien op die nuus hoe nog ‘n afgetrede paartjie in hulle huis vermoor is(’n voldwonge feit)

Ons sien op E-TV al die korrupsie in ons parlement(’n voldwonge feit)

…let op dat erens… is iemand besig om ons opinie te vorm….

Ons lees dat erens in die buiteland is NOG ‘n Suid Afrikaner vermoor…(’n voldwonge feit)

Ons lees van die Taxibestuurder wat laatnag ‘n blanke paartjie, wie se motor op die R300 onklaar geraak het, na ‘n veiliger gebied neem tot hulle motor weer aan die gang is..(’n voldwonge feit)

Ons lees van die wit man wat die swart gebied invaar en voor die voet ‘n klomp swartes doodskiet en wond(’n voldwonge feit)

Reg…. nou kan ons al amper ‘n opinie vorm…. maar wie s’n is dit??

Al weet ons VOOR ons siel dat die pers en media NET gaan publiseer dit wat nuuswaardig is… met die gevolg dat ons net die negatiewe en lelike hoor…. maar dit daar gelaat….

Nou sit ons effens in ‘n dilemma…. ons weet min of meer wat ons opinie is, maar ons is nog nie HEELTEMAL seker nie….

Ons volgende stap is om ons gevormde opinie te staaf!!

AHA… die INTERNET!!! kom ons kyk!

http://www.akska.co.za

Yeps… geweet swartes wil ons net uitwis!!!

http://www.sagoodnews.co.za/

Wie kan anyway glo wat hulle als kwytraak…

http://www.housing.gov.za/

JA… nes ek gedink het…. gee net als weg!!

http://www.southafricablog.co.za/

Geez!! get a life…..

http://www.christianaction.org.za/firearmnews/2004-03_Thefarmmurderplague.htm

Ek het geweet!!!!

http://www.siener.co.za/std_view.php?theme=Red&id=52

Ja…. Siener was reg!!!!

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=37010

Kon julle gese het…!!!!

Reg.. my opinie is gevorm…..

Net gou ‘n laaste bevestiging…. my vriende en familie!!!!

…. na kort gesprek is dit bevestig….. Suid Afrika is vaaktap en ons blankes sal moet uit!!!

DIS JOU opinie???? Sit maar… geen verdere vrae….

Onthou net… wat jy ookal van hierdie punt af lees of kyk..gaan jou opinie bevestig of weerspreek… so kies mooi!

Dit klink miskien of ek ligtelik omgaan met hierdie kwessies, maar Suid Afrika, hopeloos of redbaar is nie my punt nie.

My punt is ons opinies……en hoe ons daarby uitkom.

Om terug te keer na die SA situasie….

Ek is (amper) 45, waarvan ek 23 jaar al my eie plek besit en 20 jaar getroud is.

In hierdie 23 jaar is ek:

• Nog NOOIT beroof nie
• Nog nooit gedreig nie
• Het ek nog nooit ‘n inbraak ervaar nie
• Was NIEMAND van my vriende of familie of kennisse ooit deur swartes gedreig, aangeval of beroof nie
• Het ek paar male per ongeluk…in die Kaapse Skiereiland met ‘n oop voordeur geslaap…
• Is daar nooit by enige van my voertuie ingebreek nie

ens… ens… ens…

…noem dit maar geluk… noem dit God se wakende hand… noem dit wat jy wil…..

DIT beinvloed my opinie…

Nie wat my Blog-maats dink nie

Nie wat die koerante publiseer nie

Nie wat die media opdis nie.

Nou wat is JOU opinie , nie net oor SA nie, maar ook oor Gay huwelike, Aborsie, Steve Hofmeyr, Jurie Els, Eskom ens….

Maak seker dis JOU opinie en nie die van die pers of ‘n groeps-opinie nie.

Jy is geregtig daarop.

Net soos met Christenskap, is daar SO BAIE van ons wat nie weet hoekom ons doen wat ons doen nie!!

Ek weet… eerste reaksie is “jou gat!” en “jy is nie deur wat ek deur is nie” en “wag maar tot jy aangerand word”

Dis als fine… my punt is net om seker te maak dat die opinie (oor wat ookal) wat jy het,

JOUNE is, en nie die media, jou vriende, jou Dominee, of wie s’n ookal is nie…. dit moet joune wees.

My probleem daarmee is dat soveel van ons gaan agter die tendens aan…. gaan agter die neiging aan(dis hoekom almal Crocs dra)btw… ek sit en tik hier met Crocs aan… net omdat dit gemaklik is, maar NIE omdat die mense sê dis so gemaklik nie.

• Die mense sê jy drink rooiwyn saam met rooi vleis, en wit wyn saam met wit vleis… Wat is JOU opinie?
• Ons is geleer.. Lees jou Bybel, Bid elke dag!…. Wat is JOU opinie?
• Ons vermoed… as jy Platterfuss lees, sal jy later soos sy praat….. Wat is JOU opinie?(BTW.. dit sal ‘n verbetering wees vir sommiges)
• As jy kougom insluk, sal jou derms knoop…. wat is JOU opinie?

Wees wat JY voel jy moet wees, en neem jou besluite en standpunte dienoorkomstig..

En as jy verskil van my en dink ek is ‘n pleb… laat dit JOU opinie wees… sonder om bevestiging te soek…dis jou REG om te verskil.

Groetnis

You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly!
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking
You Are Different and That’s Bad
Dad’s New Wife Timothy
POP! Goes the Hamster…and Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
Woofles Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”
Arthur Schopenhauer - German philosopher (1788 - 1860)

Ek wonder toe by myself….. Wie het al VVV’s gesien…?

Hiermee verwys ek nie na die goeters waarmee jou ander helfte jou gooi oorlat jy nie jou gat wil lig nie…..

Ek verwys na regte buite-aardse VVV’s in SA soos hierdie een in Durban

Of die een in die Kalahari.. of… Port Shepstone of Touwsrivier of Lesotho of Pretoria om net ‘n paar te noem….

Hier is 3 foto’s

Rosetta - Natal

Northcliff - Johannesburg

Dis net in SA… In die res van die wereld gaan dit veel erger, soos bv. die meer onlangse VVV in November 2006 by O’Hare lughawe in Chicago.

Daar is legio ander. Jy hoef slegs ‘UFO’ by Google in te tik….

Maie mense beweer dat hulle wel “ontvoer” en kontak gehad het met buite-aardse wesens. As gevolg van die feit dat hulle besorgd is oor hulle geloofwaardigheid, en die vrees om as “nie heeltemal lekker nie” beskou te word, praat hulle nie graag daaroor nie. Een van die hoof simptome van ‘n “abduksie” is die fenomeen van “verlore tyd”.

Die persoon vind op een of ander stadium uit dat hy/sy nie lekker kan onthou van wat in ‘n spesifieke tydperk gebeur het nie. ‘n Gewaarwording dat iets nou gebeur het, en dat jy dit nie lekker kan verklaar nie… ‘n Gevoel dat jy reeds gedoen het wat jy nou net gedoen het….

Ek glo in lewe op ander planete en sterrestelsels….

Dit denke bots nie met my godsdiens nie, want die Bybel is deur God vir ons gegee as riglyn vir ons lewe hier op aarde… nie noodwendig as verklaring vir wat in die res van die heelal aangaan nie.

Die feit dat Hy wel aarde toe gekom het, dui vir my daarop dat ons wel baie spesiaal is vir Hom.

As jy bietjie navorsing gaan doen oor dit, kom jy gou agter dat daar sekere ding op aarde is wat nie heeltemal lekker sinmaak nie.

Soos bv.. Aristarcus Krater op die MAAN…’n fusie-reaktor op die maan????

‘n Pendeltuig op MARS????

En ons het gedink ons weet wat aangaan..!!!!!

Say no more….

“A guy walks into a bar . . .”

No one knows when the first joke beginning with the six words “A guy walks into a bar . . .” was told, or how it went. Nevertheless, an entire genre of jokes has been created revolving around that opening scenario. Here’s a sampling of some of the variants that have sprung up, many now involving animals or inanimate objects:

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do I come here often?”

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. “Got any ID?” asks the bartender. The Texan replies, “About what?”

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, “You can come in here, but you better not start anything!”

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.” The bartender asks him. “Don’t you mean martini?” The man tells the bartender, “Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them.”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “So, why the long face?” A variant on this joke during the 2004 presidential campaign substituted John Kerry for the horse, but the punch line remains the same.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer, please.” The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, “Don’t you want to know where the toilet is?” The pig says, “No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he’d like another drink. Descartes says, “I think not,” and he disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?”

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in here.” The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”

A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, “Does your dog bite?” The lady answers, “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies, “He doesn’t. That’s not my dog.”

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy says, “Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?” “Are you walking or driving?” asks the barman. “Driving,” says a man. “That’s the quickest way,” says the barman.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, “Give me a beer. I’ve had a rough day at work.” And the bartender says, “Oh? What do you do?” The guy says, “I take care of the corgis–you know, the dogs the royal family owns.” The bartender asks, “Tough job, huh? The guy says, “Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren’t too smart, either.”

A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.” And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don’t have any money.”

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?” And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, “You seem to be in a great hurry.” The guy says, “You would be too if you had what I have.” The bartender asks, “What have you got? “Fifty cents,” is the reply.

A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, “That’s a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen’s hats?” And the bartender says, “Well, it says right there in the Bible–the three wise men came from afar.”

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie.” Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, “Beautiful shirt.” At this, the man calls the bartender over. “Say, I must be losing my mind,” he tells him. “I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. “The peanuts?” “That’s right, the peanuts–they’re complementary.”

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, “A beer for me and one for my giraffe.” And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?” The man says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, “Hey buddy, can’t you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!” The man replies, “No, I can’t read the sign–I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: “I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!” The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, “The sign says no dogs allowed! You’ll have to leave!” The friend says, “Sorry, I can’t see the sign because I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender replies, “Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?” The man says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, “Hey, buddy, what are you doing?” And the blind man says, “Don’t mind me. I’m just looking around.”

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, “What’s the matter?” The man says, “My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today.”

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, “What are you doing? What’s in your pocket?” And the guy says, “It’s a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it’s time to go home.”

Toe ek klein was, het my ma vir my gesê… meng jou met die semels, dan vreet die varke jou op…. ek het.. hulle hettie… sy’t gejok…

Of so dink ek… Ons mense is deesdae so behep met ons sogenaamde “status”…

Waar bly julle?

Hoeveel kamers het julle huis?

Watse kar ry julle?

Watse werk doen jou man?

Watse werk doen jou vrou?

… en dan wat??

Dan plaas ek jou erens in ‘n kategorie bo, of onder my. Dit bepaal hoe ek jou gaan behandel, hoe ek teenoor jou gaan optree, en of ek hoegenaamd gaan meng met jou…

Ek sê hierdie dinge so nimmer as te nooit hardop nie…. net hier diep binnekant my bevestig ek dit vir myself…. hulle is van die anderkant van die spoor…. hulle issie so ryk soos ons nie….en sal ook nooit wees nie want hulle is te verdomp sleg!!!

Geen manier dat hulle op die skoolraad kan dien nie. G’n manier dat hulle op enige komitee sal kan dien nie. Te dom as jy my vra….

Hulle gat ons aftrek na hulle vlak toe as ons meng…

Ons het al by sulke mense gebraai…. Phleg!!!! Hulle drink Castle en hettie DSTV nie… die arme kinders moes die heel middag buite speel in die yard. Paadjies maak, karretjies speel, bruggies bou… innie sand…. Niks Cartoon Network nie… Kan jy dit glo? Waar gat die wereld heen?

Ons MOES hulle (ook maar net oor ons ordentlik opgevoed is) desnoods eendag oornooi vir ‘n braai. What a waste!!

Kan jy nou vir ‘n halfuur lank moet aanhoor… “O.. dis pragtig”, “O dis te mooi” Tsk.. as hulle nie so verdomp hopeloos was nie kon hulle ook al daai goed al gehad het. En die arme kinders… my aarde… kan jy glo hulle weet nie hoe die internet werk nie? Nog minder ‘n XBOX-360!! Na ‘n halfuur, terwyl daar dvd’s, xbox, rekenaars, DSTV en ALS is… is hulle kwansuis verveeld. Red nou ‘n nasie met so ‘n volk. Te maklik grootgeword as jy my vra. G’n wonder die bloedjies sukkel so op skool nie. Aan die ander kant… hulle kan seker nie help dat hulle van die”onderdorp” af is nie.

Anderster mense daai ai!

Hulle karre het almal name… Duifie, en Loeloes, Gedroggie en so fletter hulle voort…

Hulle besoek kermisse en eet hulle dik aan pannekoek.

Hulle gaan Vrydag-aande dans by die kerksaal.

Hulle speel saans kaart en Monopoly.

Hulle trek hulleself snaaks aan en dan lag hulle vir mekaar.

Hulle versorg hulle bure se dogtertjie wat kroep het.

Hulle maak alke aand ‘n ekstra bord kos vir die tannie oorkant die pad wat in ‘n rolstoel is.

Party Sondae middae sit hulle in die tuin en kyk hoe die nuwe ertjierank begin uitloop.

Hulle kyk of die 2 kleintjies in die duif se nes nog oraait is…

Hulle speel vir ure lank met ‘n vuil poedel wat se hare al aanmekaar knoop.

Hulle verf almal saam aan die nuwe pophuis wat Oupa vir sussie gebou het.

Saans sit almal saam om die tafel en eet, en hou huisgodsdiens.

Sondae, na kerk en katkisasie, maak die ma poeding, vir saam met die ete.

Elke keer as iemand verjaar is dit ‘n paartie met koek en kerse en linte en ballonne en rooikoeldrank.

Hulle gaan Saterdae Mall toe en loer en wonder wat Kersfeesvader gaan bring…

Ja nee… ek het gemeng met daai lot…. en soveel kere gewens ek kan vir ewig aan die anderkant van die spoor bly….