Category Archive

You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly!
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking
You Are Different and That’s Bad
Dad’s New Wife Timothy
POP! Goes the Hamster…and Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
Woofles Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Say no more….

“A guy walks into a bar . . .”

No one knows when the first joke beginning with the six words “A guy walks into a bar . . .” was told, or how it went. Nevertheless, an entire genre of jokes has been created revolving around that opening scenario. Here’s a sampling of some of the variants that have sprung up, many now involving animals or inanimate objects:

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do I come here often?”

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. “Got any ID?” asks the bartender. The Texan replies, “About what?”

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, “You can come in here, but you better not start anything!”

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.” The bartender asks him. “Don’t you mean martini?” The man tells the bartender, “Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them.”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “So, why the long face?” A variant on this joke during the 2004 presidential campaign substituted John Kerry for the horse, but the punch line remains the same.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer, please.” The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, “Don’t you want to know where the toilet is?” The pig says, “No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he’d like another drink. Descartes says, “I think not,” and he disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?”

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in here.” The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”

A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, “Does your dog bite?” The lady answers, “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies, “He doesn’t. That’s not my dog.”

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy says, “Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?” “Are you walking or driving?” asks the barman. “Driving,” says a man. “That’s the quickest way,” says the barman.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, “Give me a beer. I’ve had a rough day at work.” And the bartender says, “Oh? What do you do?” The guy says, “I take care of the corgis–you know, the dogs the royal family owns.” The bartender asks, “Tough job, huh? The guy says, “Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren’t too smart, either.”

A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.” And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don’t have any money.”

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?” And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, “You seem to be in a great hurry.” The guy says, “You would be too if you had what I have.” The bartender asks, “What have you got? “Fifty cents,” is the reply.

A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, “That’s a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen’s hats?” And the bartender says, “Well, it says right there in the Bible–the three wise men came from afar.”

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie.” Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, “Beautiful shirt.” At this, the man calls the bartender over. “Say, I must be losing my mind,” he tells him. “I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. “The peanuts?” “That’s right, the peanuts–they’re complementary.”

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, “A beer for me and one for my giraffe.” And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?” The man says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, “Hey buddy, can’t you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!” The man replies, “No, I can’t read the sign–I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: “I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!” The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, “The sign says no dogs allowed! You’ll have to leave!” The friend says, “Sorry, I can’t see the sign because I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender replies, “Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?” The man says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, “Hey, buddy, what are you doing?” And the blind man says, “Don’t mind me. I’m just looking around.”

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, “What’s the matter?” The man says, “My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today.”

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, “What are you doing? What’s in your pocket?” And the guy says, “It’s a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it’s time to go home.”

Ons het almal maar daai klein goedjies in die lewe wat ons dag summier omkrap… soos die foon wat 4-uur in die oggend lui, en dan is dit iemand wat met Ntlebuli wil praat…

Ek lys hier ‘n paar van die dinge wat my terstond die josie in maak.

• Jy moet sonbrille aanpas met daardie verdomde stupid plastiek dingetjie in die middel…..
• Iemand wat sy trollie in jou hakskeen vas stoot… wurm!!!
• ’n Hysbak wat by elke 2de vloer stop… en NIEMAND klim op of af nie…
• Daar’s alewig ’n kar op jou gat as jy soek na ’n adres….
• Die blessitse rooi lyntjie op die Band-Aid maak notterdêm die pleister oop nie….
• ’n Hond in die buurt wat verdomp vir ALLES blaf!
• As jy iets uit ‘’n boks gehaal het, kry jy dit NOOIT weer terug dat dit op dieselfde manier inpas nie…
• Daar’s verdomp ALTYD een of twee ysblokkies wat nie uit die ysbakkie wil uitval nie….
• Jy vergeet per ongeluk ’n papier of tissue in jou sak as jy die klere in die was gooi en ALLES kom uit die was uit met wit goedjies op….
• Jy sit en wag en luister om te hoor wie die liedjie gesing het op die radio… en hulle sê nie…
• Mense agter jou in die ry hol vir die “till” wat nou net voor jou oopgegaan het…
• Jy kan nie die korrekte spelling van ’n woord in die woordeboek kry nie, want jy weet nie hoe mens dit spel nie!!
• Jy moet vir 6 mense in die winkel sê.. “Ek kyk maar net”
• As jy dit kry wat jy soek in die winkel… dan het die verdomde ding nie ’n prys op nie..
• Jy het NOU NET die blessitse pen in jou hand gehad… nou is hy weg!!
• Jy buk onder die tafel in om iets op te tel en dan kap jy wragtig jou kop op pad op…
• Jy staan op om iets te loop haal… en dan kom jy terug met alles behalwe dit waarvoor jy in die eerste plek opgestaan het….
• Op die dag NET na jou groot partytjie… kom die bediende nie uit nie…
• Net nadat jy ’n hele hand vol tjips in jou mond gesit het… lui die foon…
• Tant Katrien van Oom Gert aan Ouma Tokkie se kant dring aan daarop om jou so papmond-soen te gee…oppie mond…
• Waar de hel IS die ANDER kous anyway????
• Sodra jy ‘n boks met altwee hande by twee stelle trappe opdra… begin jy op die snaaksste plekke jeuk, en jy kannie krap nie…soos bv. jou oor…
• Mense uit Amerika wat my mail om my mee te deel dat ek ‘n vooraf-goedgekeurde verband by hulle gekry het…
• Mans in Speedo’s.. dit lyk nettie reg nie…
• Mense wat nou nog nie lekker verstaan hoe ‘n ATM werk nie… dit voel mens wil hulle help knoppies druk!!
• Laastens.. Mense wat in die chatroom elke week met ‘n nuwe Nickname vorendag kom en kastig “nuut” is… get a life…

Groetnis

AANSOEKVORM OM TOESTEMMING OM MY DOGTER TE MAG UITVRA

Lees asseblief die volgende instruksies aandagtig deur voordat die vorm ingevul word:

Alle aansoeke moet vergesel word van:

♦5kg (of meer) biltong

♦ 12 bottels KWV Roodeberg

♦ 12 bottels KWV 10 jaar brandewyn

♦ 1 kas Heineken en

♦ ‘n betaalde jagsafari van 14 dae in Kenia vir vier persone.

Hierdie aansoek sal as onvolledig beskou word (en dienooreenkomstig afgekeur word) indien enige van die volgende NIE aangeheg is nie:

♦Volledige finansiële state vir die laaste drie jaar, skool- en universiteitsgeskiedenis (nie technikon, kollege of iets anders nie)

♦ Werksgeskiedenis

♦ Familiegeskiedenis vir die laaste 200 jaar (Anglo Boereoorlog Hensoppers, Joiners of Vermyders kan maar hier opgee).

♦ Bestuurderslisensiegeskiedenis

♦ Volledige mediese ondersoek onderteken deur ‘n goedgekeurde dokter en psigiater.

AANSOEKVORM

Naam : ____________________________________________________________

Bynaam : __________________________________________________________

(Enige dierename by bogenoemde sal tot afkeuring lei)

Geboortedatum : _____________________________________________________

Lengte : ___________________________________________________________

Gewig : ____________________________________________________________

IK : _____ __________________________________________________________

Skoolgemiddeld : _____________________________________________________

ID # : _______________________________________________________________

Bestuurderslisensie # : _________________________________________________

Voortrekkerrang (tans) en kursusse voltooi : ________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

Tuisadres : __________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

Dorp/Stad : ___________________________ Kode : _________________________

Het jy EEN manlike en EEN vroulike ouer? : ________________________________

Indien NEE, verduidelik : _______________________________________________

Aantal jare wat hulle getroud is : _________________________________________

Indien korter as jou ouderdom, verduidelik : ________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

Besit jy :

‘n Kombi : ___________________________________________________________

Ford Sierra : _________________________________________________________

Enige Ford : _________________________________________________________

Enige ander kar met ‘n drukvin en allooiwiele wat NIE standaard is nie? :

___________________________________________________________________

‘n Waterbed : ________________________________________________________

‘n Bakkie met ‘n matras agterin : _________________________________________

Kondome : __________________________________________________________

Enige pornografie : ____________________________________________________

Dra jy ‘n oorbel, neusring of naeltjiering : ___________________________________

Het jy ‘n tatoeërmerk? : ________________________________________________

INDIEN ANTWOORDE OF ENIGE VAN DIE BOONSTE VRAE JA IS, MOENIE VOORTGAAN NIE EN VERLAAT DIE PERSEEL ONMIDDELLIK

 

In 50 woorde of minder, wat beteken LAAT vir jou? __________________________

 

 

In 50 woorde of minder, wat beteken MOENIE AAN MY DOGTER RAAK NIE ?

_________________________________________ __________________________

 

 

In 50 woorde of minder, wat verstaan jy onder GEHEELONTHOUDING?

 

In 10 woorde of minder, wat verstaan jy onder die volgende:

KASTREER : _______________________________________________________

GENADEDOOD : _____________________________________________________

In nie MINDER as 5 000 woorde verduidelik wat jy verstaan onder die woord VRY?

(SKRYF DIT OP JOU EIE PAPIER EN HEG AAN BY AANSOEK)

Naam en adres van die kerk wat jy bywoon : ________________________________

 

Hoe gereeld woon jy kerk by? ___________________________________________

Wanneer sal die beste tyd wees om die volgende persone te ondervra:

Vader : ___________________________ Predikant : ________________________

Moeder : __________________________ Paroolbeampte : ____________________

Sal jou ouers hulle vrywillig aan genetiese toetsing onderwerp of sal doofpyle gebruik moet word? _________________________________________________________

Enige besware teen die deursoeking van jou persoon, voertuig, hok of gat of enige ander blyplek? _______________________________________________________

Voltooi die volgende sinne. Antwoorde sal as vertroulik bekou word:

♦ Indien ek geslaan word, wil ek baie graag NIE die volgende been gebreek hê nie: ________________________________________________________________

♦ Indien ek raakgeskiet word, sou ek nie raakgeskiet wou word op my:

________________________________________________________________

♦ ‘n Vrou se plek is in die : ____________________________________________

♦ Die een ding wat ek hoop NIE gevra sal word in die onderhoud nie, is : ________

 

♦ Wanneer ek ‘n meisie die eerste keer ontmoet, sien ek heel eerste die volgende raak : ___________________________________________________________

NOTA : Indien bogenoemde antwoord met ‘n P, T, D, B of G begin, stop dadelik. Terwyl jy die perseel verlaat, hardloop in S’e en hou jou kop laag.

Wat wil jy word INDIEN jy moontlik groot word?

 

Wat is die huidige tariewe van ‘n hotelkamer?

 

Kondome kom in pakkies van (omkring een)

*3

*6

*9

*12

*Al die bogenoemde

Hoe weet jy dit? ______________________________________________________

HIERMEE BELOOF EK PLEGTIG DAT AL DIE BOGENOEMDE INLIGTING KORREK EN WAAR IS. VERKEERDELIK VERSKAFDE INLIGTING MAG LEI TOT DIE DOOD, ONTMANNING, DIE VERLOOR VAN LEDEMATE, ROOIMIER, MARTELING, KRUISIGING, ELEKTRIESE SKOK, CHINESE WATERMARTERLING EN ROOIWARM YSTERTOEDIENING.

HANDTEKENING (dis jou naam) _________________________________________

Dankie vir jou belangstelling. Laat asseblief 4 tot 6 jaar toe vir prosessering. Jy sal skriftelik in kennis gestel word indien jou aansoek suksesvol is.

Moet asseblief nie probeer om telefonies, elektronies, skriftelik, per posduif, vingertaal of deur middel van rookseine in verbinding te tree nie, aangesien dit tot ernstige beserings kan lei.

Indien jou aansoek afgekeur word, sal jy persoonlik in kennis gestel word deur twee here in swart pakke met wit dasse, wie elkeen ‘n viooltas dra.